Lightbulb jokes

Q. How many Klingons does it take to change a light panel?

A. Two. One to change the panel, the other one to shoot him and take all the credit.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Just 2. The trick's getting them in there.

Q: How many Oxford dons does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "Change"?!?!??!!? What do you mean "change"?!!?!

Q: How many philosophers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Well it depends what you mean by light bulb.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Just buy out everyone who's done it before.

How many gorillas does it take to change a lightbulb?

One gorilla, but a hell of a lot of lightbulbs

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

It depends. Does the lightbulb feel ready to change?

How many posh people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change a what?

How many posh people does it take to change a lightbulb?

One to demand the butler telephones an electrician and another to pour the gin and tonics.

How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because the light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

Oxbridge grads?

Just the one - he holds the bulb and the world rotates around him.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None. Just buy out everyone who's done it before.

OR None. They just define darkness as the industry standard.

How many folk singers....

Five. On to change it and four to sing about how good it used to be in the days of the old lightbulb.

Q - How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Fish

q. how many builders does it take to change a light bulb?

sucks through teeth - ooh if only it was just the bulb

How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, but we can't get the parts till July. If you want,

I can call my mate Dave and see what he can do, but it's gonna cost ya.

How many Mexicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Juan.

How many new labour members does it take to change a lightbulb?

All of them. One to hold it, and the rest to turn to the right.

Q How many Elephants does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. One. They're not stupid.

Q. How many Floridians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Don't know for sure, they're still counting.

How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lighbulb?

It's impossible to be certain.

How many tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, we have exactly the same system here, and the light bulb is working fine...

Have you tried turning it off and back on again?

How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, it's a hardware problem.

How many goths does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they like to sit in the dark....

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four.

One to change it, and three to complain that it's electric.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?

YOU CAN'T KNOW, MAN, YOU WEREN'T THERE!

How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?

2: One to change the bulb, the other to observe how the light bulb itself represents a single incandescant beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of absurdity reaching out towards a vast maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?

The sky is blue and the grass is green.

How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two; one to change the light bulb, and one not to change the light bulb.

How many sound engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

One, two, one, two...

How many Socialist Workers?

We don't want to change the lightbulb, comrade. We want to smash it!

How many shopkeepers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It was alright when I sold it to you.

How many Hollywood movie studio executives does it take to change a lightbulb?

Does it have to be a lightbulb?

Q - How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A - None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.

A - One.

Q - How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb?

How many actors does it take cto change a light bulb?

One to go up the ladder and 4 to stand at the bottom shouting "It should be me up there!"

Some contestants' answers from TV quiz shows...

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)       

Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?          

Contestant: Homosexuals..               

Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you

             

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)      

Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?               

Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.           

Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.           

Contestant: Leicester

             

BBC NORFOLK             

Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?           

Contestant: I don't know.      

Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?            

Contestant: Arm        

Stewart White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?         

Contestant: Strong.               

Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?            

Contestant: Louis      

Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?               

Contestant: Frank Sinatra 

             

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)

Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?

Contestant: France .

Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.

Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.

Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?

Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.

Trelinski: Just guess a country then.

Contestant: Paris                                                                        

THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)

Anne Robinson:  Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?

Contestant: The Conservative Party..

BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON)

DJ Mark: For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?

Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE

Bamber Gascoyne: What was Gandhi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey?

GWR FM ( Bristol )

Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?

Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then..

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO? MANCHESTER)

Phil: What's 11 squared?

Contestant: I don't know.

Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.

Contestant: Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?

Contestant: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY

Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?

Contestant: Er.......

Richard: He makes bread .....

Contestant: Er .........

Richard: He makes cakes......

Contestant: Kipling Street ?

LINCS FM PHONE-IN

Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona .

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain ...

NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)               

Question: What is the world's largest continent?   

Contestant: The Pacific..       

ROCK FM (PRESTON)            

Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.      

Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? 

    

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)

Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?

Contestant: Magna Carta?                                                             

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)

James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?

Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... ER. ER ... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)

Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?

Caller: Japan .

Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er ............ Mexico ?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)  

Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)

Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant:      Holland ?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet..

Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?

Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line.. Did you say Israel ?

Contestant: No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)

Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er... ..... ...

Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor ..

Contestant: Blimey?

Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . ...

Contestant: (Silence)

Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . ...

Contestant: Walked?

THE VAULT

Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?

Contestant: Nostalgia..

LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)

Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?

Contestant: Jewish.

Presenter: That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)

Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?

Contestant: Jesus.

_____________

I reckon geography, history and RE teachers have a lot to answer for!

How to say sorry...

Great form to fill in to say sorry! Made me smile!

http://img386.imageshack.us/img386/1141/is5vb.jpg

How to really love a child

I found this years ago in a Findhorn catalogue - apologies if I have infringed copyright - please just let me know. (You can click on the picture to make it bigger.)

Revenge on marketing!

Three actions that work!

(1) The three little (golden) words:

If you get phoned up just say 'Hold On, Please...' and walk away. Saying this instead of hanging-up immediately would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt. Then when you eventually hear BT's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset ..... you have efficiently completed your task. These three little words could help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is then used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' salesperson to call back and get someone at home. What you can do after answering: If you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialled the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!

(3) Pre-approved letters

When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope. Most of these come with postage-prepaid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular postage 'IF' and when they are returned. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-prepaid return envelopes. Send an advert for your local chimney sweeper to American Express .. they might need one! Send a pizza coupon to HSBC ... in case their canteen packs up. You get the idea. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them back their blank application form... after all, it is their form! If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you return. You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them, and it is their envelope after all .. you are just returning it! The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the post, but folks ..... we need to overwhelm them, in order to stop them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it ... twice! Let's help keep Royal Mail busy. Since the Royal Mail are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, let's help them so they will not need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea! If enough people follow these tips, it will work - maybe we'll all get less junk mail in the future.

This might be the one link you want to forward on?

A story of soap...

Below is some correspondence which actually occurred between a London hotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involved submitted this to the Sunday Times. No name was mentioned.

Dear Maid, Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you, S. Berman

Dear Room 635, I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory. Kathy, Relief Maid

Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid. Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid, Dotty

Dear Mr. Berman, The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Miss Carmen, It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me? S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you, Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mr. Kensedder, My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience. Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial. S. Berman

Dear Mr. Berman, You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room. Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper

Dear Mrs. Carmen, Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess:

• On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
• On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
• On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
• Inside medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
• In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
• On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
• On northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.

Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings. S. Berman

Children's view of the world

1) NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

2) OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

3) KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

5) POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

7) ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

9) DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes."

10) SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write and they won't let me talk!"

11) BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."

__________

Reminds of a delightful book by R D Laing called "Conversations with Children". Second hand copies available here